Wollnerine

Big Daddy has another official nickname...Wollnerine. 

Yes folks the rumors are true, I have purchased a motorcycle. I hope to have a video or picture of it up soon. But basically its beautiful, Hawkeye colors. Not a crotch rocket or bullshit scooter, but a cruiser. I don't have a helmet yet because David wouldn't let me get one. 

I am writing about it because 

A. I am excited. 

B. I hit 50mph...in the Bear's grass (he loves his grass), so not only did I pretty much ruin half the yard, but I fishtailed and thought I was no doubt going to fall off to my death. 

C. My mother sat me down and told me she will have absolutely no contact with me until it was gone...literally. And she meant it. 

D. I lied and told my dad it wasn't mine...

So basically since the second I got it people have been telling me I am going to die. That must be fun for them (Emily Zach and Tom Garland). Don't worry about me tho, I am scheduled to have a bone-animantium transfer later next week. Ill be fiiiiiinnneee....right? Guys?

Ps. David rides it like a dream. Its bullshit. 

~ Ted

Nice Start to a Day

Welp. I just spilled coffee down my shirt because my eyes were closed and I was falling asleep as it was nearing my lips.
I have walked past roughly 11 people since then. Each and every single one has walked towards me, looked down, looked back up, deep into my eyes...and laughed in a way that I could hear their laughter even after they past me down the hall.
I even heard one man say under his breath, "that sucks."
Should be a fun Tuesday.

Ps. Coffee, when spilled and soaked into a shirt, smells EXACTLY like vomit. More fun.

Pss. Did it burn? ............Yes. Extremely.

~ Ted

Shady Car Dealer!!!

Yes folks I am back. I know most of you have been awaiting my return and for that I thank you. Tonight my good friends Domingo and Ed accompanied me at Primetime Bar for all you can eat wings. I picked Ed up on the way and before we knew it we had stuffed our faces and were heading home. As I took Ed home he said, "Turn here!! No not here!" I replied with "O... that makes sense." Before I knew it I was forced to turn around in what I thought was a parking lot. Ed told me to just drive through, and although I was reluctant I did it anyways. I was soon driving through a VERY VERY shady car dealership and was soon being waved down by a complete stranger! Now let me explain one thing about this man... for one, not only was this man working at his job... he was also living at his job. Well what do you mean David? Well, let’s just say this dealership was soooo shady the man literally lived at the car dealership. Yes that is right, I had actually driven into his driveway/home and his car dealership at the same time. Somehow this man had conned me out of my mom's super cool mini-van and before I knew it, I was playing the role of a student looking for an economical car. Secondly this man had black and crooked bottom teeth... this needs no explanation. I am now strolling around this weird asses driveway/car dealership hoping I am not about to get shanked. He introduces me to this, "Sweet car that we just got in." This man rants and raves about what a great car this is and explains that it is only dirty because it just came from a gravel road... I assume this meant he had just snorted coke off of it but I was too scared to back-talk so I let it slide. He then opens the door to a 3000 dollar car, which most likely should cost 300 dollars and then I see it. The passenger door has literally NOTHING but a door handle on the inside of it. That is correct. It had no leather, no plastic, no cloth, literally nothing! The man then says, "O, that's a first one for me!" I thought this was a great car sir?? You forgot to mention the small part about the car being a piece of fucking shit!! After looking at 2 more cars, lying to this man’s face about how I would call him back in 7 days, and literally laughing in his face, I finally make it back to my car and drove off to saftey with only my sidekick Ed Wollner there to laugh along with me.

~Dave

A Single Strip

I had a rude awakening tonight at Sonic when I purchased a chicken strip sandwich off the 1$ menu. It wasn't the taste of the sandwhich, because it's always crazy delicious. But I realized the hard way that when you go a fast food resturuant, or any resturant for that matter, you are literally at the mercy of the employee working at the given time. To some people this may not be a surprise, because it's common sense, but it doesn't really set in until you are actually a victim of a disgruntled employee. All it takes is a check bouncing, or the stubbing of a toe to ruin someones day, just hope that person isn't serving you food. I got a breakfast burrito and a chicken strip sandwhich and when I opened up the burrito, it wasn't even a burrito, it was like a tortilla rolled up and nothing inside of it. I looked in the bag to see if maybe the insides fell out, but no, they just decided to put just about nothing on it this time. I let it slide. Then, I opened up my chicken sandwhich, which normall has three strips of chicken on it...it had one strip. A SINGLE STRIP OF CHICKEN. That takes up a third of the bread, so after I finished that third, it was a mayo and letuce sandwhich...mmm, sounds delicious. Why do bad things happen to good people? I mean yeah I ate it anyways, but that's not the point. I was a victim of a lazy or pissed of employee, and you know what I'm going to do about it, nothing, and you know where I'm going to go next time I want fast food, probably back to Sonic, because chances are I won't get the shaft again...right?

peaceandlove
~mcm

Tough Day

Everyone knows Im not a workin man. 

I mean Ive had plenty of jobs and worked them all to the fullest extent, but its not for me. Neither is school for that matter. 

But today proved it more than I ever thought....

I started my first full time job, which means...8 hour work days. 730AM-4PM. This is my version of Hell, and it has come to Earth. The job itself is just fine, great people and great environment. But after 20 years of ease my body wasnt ready for it. So today, just my second day, I took my lunch break at noon like everyone else in America. But unlike everyone else in America, I didnt eat...I slept. I crawled to my car with a fatigue only POW's can imagine, laid down in the back seat, locked the door because I dont trust intruders, and slept like a newborn baby. 

Oh, and I overslept...

...and told them I was late because I was lost...

...in downtown Cedar Rapids...

...my home for the past 20 years of which I know like the back of my hand...

...Payday this Friday!!!

~ Ted

Backround for the new poll

A Mug-chug: chugging three beers in a 301 stein

Record Times:
Casey O'Connell - 8.52 secs
Ben O'Conner - 10.1 secs
Mike Mettenburg - 12.3 secs
Herbie Lauer - 14.9 secs
David Zach-      1 min 52 secs

Casey's all time record breaking chug was, and still is, quite controversial. He completed the mug-chug with ease (I watched his gullet open and the beer slide down his throat like shit through a goose) and afterwords he b-lined straight for the toilet and proceeded to pray to that porcelain god. We want to know the publics opinion on the matter, this poll will set the precedent for future Mug-chugs. We, are the change we've been waiting for.

Why Mike? Why?

Last night Mike and I decided to go out after a rough day at work. I wasnt really feeling like going out but Mike needed a wingman...bad. So we met Clark and Shannon at Formosa. 4 Saki Bombs and 3 shots later, I felt like staying out all night. And thats basically what we did. After Formosa we went to Etc and met up with Thompson. Thompson took a shot with us, then bought us a round of shots, then said "Ill be right back,"........he never came back. 

Here comes the point of this post,

Mike and I left Etc to go to Union. We sat down, got a few Jack & Cokes, when all of a sudden Mike looks at me with that damn smirk on his face and says..."Watch this." 

I followed with, "Mike, Mike no. NOOOO."

Granted, I had no idea what he was doing, but I know that face on a Mettenburg equals mischief. 

He proceeded to walk up to some seemingly pro dart players and said, "Eh Mate!" I couldnt believe it, he was going with the "Im an Australian transfer student" gig. And it worked...for awhile. 

He got himself into a dart game where the loser had to buy everyone around the bar shots...there were probably 15-20 people around the bar. 

He said the word Mate one thousand too many times, and for some reason got 10 inches from each persons face when he said it. After a scuffle that some people had and Mike stuck his Australian-American nose in, an old guy looked at me and said, "You had better watch your friend."

Thats when I (Jason Bourne) texted Mike saying, "Slowly drop the darts on the table or chair closest to you and walk towards me and out of the bar. Do as I say. Now." 

Bottom line, drunk Mike skipped out on a $40 bill which would have no doubt gone to him seeing as he was down by 74 points...

Why Mike? Why?

~ Ted

Summertime, a time for...well...a time for summer

Welp, I hope everyone's finals went well, Jon is in Chicago and we officially turned his room into a storage closet, the same way his parents turned his bedroom in Cedar Rapids into a weight room. And if you didn't know yet, Casey O'Connell is in Europe. I don't think he can even speak a single European language. Jared came over yesterday and brought his dog, Apollo, and he shit four times in David's room. Four times. And on a lighter note, trying to sleep with the window open due to extreme heat is almost impossible due to so many trucks and people who HONK THEIR HORN FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER. I heard someone honking their horn like a madman the other day so I quickly looked out the window expecting to see a baby stranded in the middle of the road and a large semi barrelling for it being unable to stop....It was a ford focus...and there was no one else on the street...

anyways, get tan, drink outside, get that money, get that swamp ass,
happy beginning of summer,
~mcm

Guest Blog - Dan L.

Clarkisms: 311 concert
Day 1
Posts a tweet reading: “I wish I was Harry Potter.” Later he would reveal to a few members that he wouldn’t want to be because ‘it would be too much responsibility.’
During Lunch that day, Clark picks up an IMU box filled with trash and uneaten food and says watch this. He proceeds to walk over to the trash can which had a sign on it that said ‘Recycling.’ He stood around for a while to make sure everyone was, if not watching him, noticing him holding the trash right above the receptacle. Once everyone had looked, he dropped it in and casually walked out laughing …… all the while, being screamed and yelled at because of the not so green deed.
Also during that lunch, he randomly brought up the hilarious YouTube grape stomping video. Parker followed by making the noise, which I still can’t describe, that the lady makes when she falls.
And one more lunch story for good measure….. Carly was laying down on her stomach chatting with a few other scopers. A certain moustached director whose name will be untold, walked up behind her and put the antenna of a radio inappropriately on/in Carly. This isn’t the Clark story……….. this quote is: “I think C***s just got to second base with Carly.”
Day 2:
After it seemed like everyone had eaten breakfast and was comfortably full from all the donuts, bagels, juices, coffees. Clark gets up from the table and says “Well, time to cream it.” ……….. He had no bagel with him…
Random quote: “Sounds like Michael Buble” ………. Only Clark pronounced it Michael ‘Boob-Lee’
If you were there you understand this one:
Clark: ‘Have you seen the office yet?’
Carly: ‘No.’
Clark: (Before Carly can even finish saying No) “OKayyy’
In the unusual layout of the Fieldhouse, there are cramped hallways. I’m talking to Mike when Clark walks up and decides to CTM (chill the most) with us for a while. Velez comes out of the SCOPE office and starts walking towards us. Right as she is about to pass us, Clark, so maturely, makes a farting noise with his mouth. He turns to Velez, looks her right in the eyes and casually says “I farted.” Velez pays no attention to him and continues walking.
Lastly, we had just eaten some Papa John’s right as we were finishing up load out. Everyone went back to work and Clark walks over to a ramp that’s on the ground and positions himself with one foot on both edges. He performs some weird kind of motion that resembled drunken Tai Chi and says “This feels really good on my arches.”

This is why we love the kid and damn it, he will be missed. Thanks for all the memories Clark. Best of luck to you and remember if you don’t leave Iowa just remember to put on ‘Wide Open’ by Jason Aldean.

When Will the Stink Stop?

Today 301 went downtown to enjoy the nice weather...and apparently to smell Ed's STINKY ass. We were walking and for some reason he had a skip to his step. He took the lead in our group and I thought to myself, 'huh, I wonder why Ed is in such a good mood?' Before I could finish my thought I was engulfed in a stench that's unlike anything this world has seen before. If it were an organism, it would have to be classified as a new species. Later on we were looking through some posters at a store (the ones in the white frames you flip through on hinges) when I noticed Ed was flipping through them extra fast, instead of his normal pause on one, then speaking aloud to himself, 'ooo..Imonna have to get myself this one.' He was propelling the air in my general direction...He had passed gas in my face and was assuring that it reached its intended audience, I was a fool of a Took and didn't realize it until half of my nostril hairs had been singed off.

Here are some pictures of one of David's ingenious ideas when it was raining out recently. I'll be sure to post any and all of them that I can document...





















...Let's just say that David was dressing really 'trashy' that night...


ps. last night Maegan Leskovec stole a guys hat and his girlfriend got mad and threw a drink on her...Then Maegan beat the girl up...



~mcm

Guest Blog - Carly S.

While I know Dr. Edward Wollner (not to be confused with The Bear) has started a meticulous study of David Zach (not to be confused with The Futurist), I recently witnessed a truly original DZ phenomenon.

David is known for his catch phrases such as "When is Zach going to catch a break?", "I was CHEATED", and "If I didn't have bad luck, I wouldn't have any luck at all". Last Thursday night, I heard all three phrases in a two hour span, which is not uncommon. However the circumstances that provoked these remarks was one of a kind.

David, Ed, and Mike showed up at the Gaytles around 10pm for some Beirut (better version of Beer Pong). Mike showed up wearing a... oh never mind. Another topic for another time. I could go on for years about Mike's wardrobe choices.

So, we all play some Beirut. Zach and I are watching some games, and I take this opportunity to ask him how much it sucks to know that his sister likes me more than him. He explains that it is both depressing and embarrassing.

Later, a game startes with Dan and Clark on one side, and the returning champs from the previous game, Willie and David, were on the other.

I will take this opportunity to outline the rules of Beirut for those of you that don't know. Beirut is kind of like Civil War and Beer Pong combined. Each player has six cups in front of them. There are three balls, with continuous shooting during the game. You get reracks when you (as a player) have four, three, and two cups left, and when the team has a total of six between the two of you, you combine them and have the same reracks. If you make three in a row, you get all the balls back, and you get all three balls back to try and force a rebuttal.

Back to the game. Willie takes the first shot, and by first I mean first two, because he took the two balls in his hand (yep) and threw them both. One went in, and when Clark went to reach for it, the other ball bounced off his arm and into a cup.

Clark says "Oooook" and then Dan takes a shot and misses. Willie takes another shot, and makes it, which, as outlined above, means all the balls back. Now, when you get all the balls back, if you continue making shots, you get those balls back as well. And our dear friend Whilden Hughes may have broken the record that night, by going on to make seven shots in row.

At this point, Clark and Dan had taken one shot and were losing by seven. It's not looking so hot. So the game continues, Clark and Dan start making some shots. Willie goes on to make another two.

Zach is missing every, single, shot. After about the fifth shot, Zach takes another and misses horribly, "I was CHEATED", he says.

When you start the game by making seven in a row, one would assume the game would be over quickly. False. This game took just as long as usual. Finally, Clark and Dan catch up and Willie and Zach are still down to one cup, and dear David has not made a single shot. Zach shoots and misses for probably the 30th time, and says "When is Zach going to catch a break!"

Dan and Clark beat Willie and Zach in regular play. They get a chance to try for the rebuttal, three shots to make the one cup they have had sitting there for probably five minutes. Willie takes the first shot, misses. Zach takes the second, he misses. Then Willie decides maybe his luck has run out, and maybe Zach's luck will finally come around.

But you know what the Zach says, "If I didn't have bad luck, I wouldn't have any luck at all." And he may actually be right.

SUSBUS

Abundancy, in the City

Things that are unnecessarily abundant in Iowa City:

-Unicyclists
-Loud Ass Noises (LANs)(i.e. Trains, Drunks yelling at 3pm who started drinking at 1pm, Police Sirens, Cambus's broke-ass brakes squealing)
-Gay rights activists
-Curse words
-Liquor stores
-Crows
-Regina's 50th anniversary street signs
-Cops
-Shady allies that remind you of this guy you know in Western Civ who got jumped last weekend for no reason what so ever after leaving a bar
-Chicago accents (I think I'm in the minor stages of developing one)
-Chicago people (Jon is in the minor stages of BECOMING one, he's living there over the summer)

...But, you know what they say, the more Unicyclists, the merrier...and the less green house gases

on a side note, Ed was bothering David last night, so he took my frogs squirt bottle and sprayed him with it...I've never seen a human so afraid of water in my life, he stumbled out of the door way, fell to his knees, and painfully whispered, "...et tu, Brute?"

~mcm

Swine Flu

If you have been keeping up with the news lately you know about the possible pandemic this country and/or the world may face because of Swine Flu. Well if I die of Swine Flu, this is how I would like my funeral to take place:
First, after much consideration, I do not want to be cremated. Keep my body in tact. But do not bury me in the ground, thats that catch. I want Jessica to lay me to rest on a raft...made of Gold...handcrafted by Casey O'Connell or Casey Farrier, because when I think of the name Casey I think of excellent craftsmanship.
Second, I would then like my father, Papa Bear, to push me out to sea. And by sea I mean the Cedar River. Yes, my home waters of Cedar Rapids.
Third, my gold casket will need to be flammable, so that David Z. can proceed to fire a flaming arrow at me so that I may represent America...with fire and water. If David fails, which is acceptable considering the wild rapids of the Cedar, John Hasley will take his place because he once threatened David and I with a longbow if we put a Hilary Clinton sign in his yard.
Fourth, the song Please Remember Me by Tim McGraw must be played in the background.
Fifth, Please remember me.
Sixth, Tom Garland will tape the whole thing and send it to Mike M. because it will undoubtedly be his sickly body from which I contracted the Swine.
Seventh, Honest Abe must be dug up to oversee the proceedings.

You have my demands.

~ Ted

Catch Up

So last night Jon and I went to the SCOPE party and it went till about 7 in the morning. A bunch of people went to get breakfast in the morning, I went home and Jon stayed at the house. He ended up telling everyone that we needed more ice, so he took the ice tray, filled it up with water, then placed it outside...as if it was still winter outside. A friend of ours witnessed it and said he woke up the next morning and saw the luke-warm tray still sitting on the window sill. Maybe a bum will come get it for a free drink of water today.

Also, we went to TJ and Geoff's, expecting to see Ekland, TJ and Geoff. And as we walked up to the door we saw the one, the only, the KING JI #3 in the door staring out the window. I honestly thought he was bird watching....but he was pizza watching. He said he had just ordered pizza and was watching for it. I thought to myself, if I put at least half of that effort into school, I I'd be getting a 4.0.

And, our internet is down...it went down after our dishwasher gave out...When the maintenance man came to fix it, he walked into our kitchen and said, "o...my...god.." in astonishment at our mountain of dishes, his face looked like this, http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/theoffice/images/thumb/e/eb/Edwardrmeow.jpg/200px-Edwardrmeow.jpg

anyways, God Bless...David won't stop playing Coldplay...301 is back

~MCM

Guest Blog - Jessica T.

What do you actually think about in class? Unless you have a really great lecturer or a really hot professor...nine times out of ten you're probably not really paying attention. This guest blog will let you inside the minds of the 301 boys while they are in class...

If you're Michael Mettenburg you're trying to figure out a way to obtain a writing utensil...upon forgetting his own & not showering before class- it would be hard to ask to borrow a pen from the girl next to him...due to the fact that he would be required to raise his arm thus scaring away said girl with his stench.

If you're David Zach- you're probably doing one of two things...1. rifling through papers that are stuffed between the pages of your notebook because "Zach's don't buy folders" or 2. trying to think up the latest Zach scheme. For example, "Zach Taxi Service" or "Zach Quarters" Yes folks, David Zach wanted to charge people to change their dollars into quarters so they could do their laundry..."gotta make that money"

If you're Edward Wollner you're curling your side burns between two fingers thinking about how you need a hair cut, and re-going over all of your notes because you've noticed your handwriting isn't completely perfect and your OCD is acting up. After realizing you don't actually care about what is being said, you begin to write your next "David Zach Essay"

If you're Jon Hackbarth, the only thing you are thinking about is when you can get back to the library...because even though you have already been there for 8 hours..."I mean like guys I just uh have so much to do..."

And lastly if you're Jessica Tanner- you are sitting in class writing a guest blog trying to help out the 301 boys because they are "too busy" to post themselves. And...just so you know...this class is far from interesting...help me. 

-T

Casino

I would personally like to apologize for the seemingly hiatus we have had lately in regards to this blog. We 301er's just have to put up with so much sometimes that we cant even find time to blog and tell you about it. 

Now, to my story. 

Last week Jessica, David, Mike and I went to a casino to see a Gary Allan concert. Wow, it was good. Gary is one of the greatest entertainers in concert today. Just so ya know. But I am just here to tell you the things I have learned following my trip. 

1. Gary Allan rules all. Download him and love him.

2. Mikes feet stink like the inside of the Devil's asshole.

3. David loses money in blackjack faster than my brother runs a 100 meter (10-11 seconds...I think)

4. How many retirement homes can you fit in one Casino at any given time? Aparently all of them.

5. Minnesota is the 3rd worst state in the Union (better only than Wyoming and Kentucky)

Mike and I made money, needless to say of course. So take these life lessons, remember them, love them. 

Ps. Charlie Chaplin once entered a Charlie Chaplin look-a-like contest...and failed to make the finals. 

Now thats a story.

~ Ted

301 Night Out

I got home last night around 10 from the lib, and slammed a beer, then looked around, and noticed that the only person in the apt was Tanner. I said, tan-dawg, where is everyone, she responded, "oh, they all went to Menards and Dairy Queen." I wasn't invited...literally. So I gave them a call and they came back and picked me up, supposedly they had, "forgot to let me know...." We went to Wal-mart and proceeded to check out. Two things happen at check out usually when the 301 boys go shopping, and they both happened last night. The first involves Ed pretending to be gay. Usually his lines consist of, "ddddaavviiddd, letzz gooo, I wannnaa get hommee." And his actions consist of him grabbing Davids butt. And, eeeverytime this happens, David responds exactly the same way, in a quiet whisper, not making eye contact with Ed, "stop, stop it right now. Fine, there will be consequences...that's it, you're getting spit on." Usually he stops, and shortly after this, the second event happens. Ed will say to David, "David, you might as well treat yourself to some flamin hots (cheetos)." And almost like a machine, as if he is programmed to take a bag off the shelf when you say "flamin hot," he turned his body, picked up a bag, and got back in line. I once saw him drop a flamin hot into his milk on accident. He let it float there for a second, then reached in amd retrieved it and placed it in his mouth.

So next time you are with David in the check out line, try saying flamin hots under your breath and see if he reaches for them.

~mcm

Guest Blog - Derek W.

Once again Teds brother joins 301 with a Guest blog

An Awfully "Shitty" Day

I am currently employed at Hy – Vee Drug Store. I wouldn’t wish having this job upon my worst enemy, there is simply no upside to having it. The chump change they pay you makes it borderline slavery.

Yesterday, as I was bagging groceries (aka bitch work), my direct superior, Jared (who is one of only two people I work with that aren’t complete freaks), approached me saying, “Derek, I got a job for ya. The toilets are backed up in the men’s bath room and we’re gonna need you to clean it up.” Those are the words he used, but what he was really saying was, “Go clean up other people’s shit and piss for two hours.”

I considered these words carefully in my head, their meaning not yet fully setting in. I considered my options: 1. be a good employee and do what my boss tells me to do. 2. pretend I didn’t hear him. 3. respond by saying, “No hablo English.” 4. tell him to go fuck himself, and throw my name tag in his face. or 5. run.

Being the coward that I am, I chose the first option. I grabbed a mop and some water, and slowly crept to the men’s bath room. So many things happened at once as I opened the door: my knees buckled, my nostrils seared with pain, my eyes watered, babies were crying, women were screaming. It’s at moments like this when a man of strongest religion begins to question his faith – if God does exist, how could he allow a smell this bad to exist?

I saw nothing but rolling hills of shit. The once cream colored tile floor was now completely brown and baby spinach green. Ironic phrases popped into my head (“Clean up your shit,” “get your shit together,” etc.) as I mopped the floor and scrubbed the toilets. Two men came in as I was cleaning. The first opened the door, muttered “Jesus”, and slammed it. The second one came in, covered his nose in disgust, looked at me, laughed, and left.

It truly was one of the shittiest days I’ve ever had, literally. To top it all off, after I was done Jared came up to me, took a whiff, then said to me – and I quote, “Go to the back and clean yourself up. You fucking stink.”

~ Derek W. 

The David Essays - Part Three

February 9, 2009

I am currently watching David start his homework that is due tomorrow...it is 12:30 am. So, technically, it is due today. I wish I could put into words the sight I see, but that is impossible. You really have to see David Zach to believe it. He is hunched over, sitting at a computer chair, that is designed for back support. He is staring at a blank screen, the same word document he pulled up ten minutes ago. When asked what he was supposed to be writing about, he gave what has come to be the universal Dave Zach answer..."I don't know." 

Following his singing of the song, "There are no Hasleys like me, I'm all alone"... he is rummaging violently through all his disheveled papers "looking for his information," which I have come to assume is some kind of drug. If one were to look into David's eyes, even the most educated of persons would guess he had just been released from Guantanomo Bay, Cuba, where he was beaten, tortured, and sleep deprived. This would explain the weakened body, landfill style hair, and sunken eyes. Watching David through a mirror, has given me true insight on how to understand him. He is the reverse of mankind. He is the anti-education, anti-production, anti-common sense...He is the anti-everything. 

David, is my buddy. Generally speaking, when something bad happens to one of us, the other takes pleasure in the former's pain. But, through these essays, I have come to feel bad for David. Looking at him through this mirror, in this chair, I have come to realize something. David can be compared to Sylvester the cat, and he is constantly chasing Tweety bird, which symbolizes  Life. Coniving David, or Sylvester, is always so close, but can never truly catch that little yellow bastard. Maybe one day he will, which will unfortunately conclude these essays. But let it be known David, I am rooting for ya. 

Ps. But then again, thats like rooting for Hackbarth to post a blog, or Phil Garland praying for the Cubs to win the World Series........it aint happenin. So give up on those pipe dreams David (and Phil) and embrace what you've got. 

~ Ted

Blog Followers!!!

Attention Blog followers!! If you have not uploaded a picture to your gmail/blog followers profile please do so. I am sick of looking at grey boxes all the time. Be more like Alex Kimbro or Kurt or Emily/Luke and follow in their footsteps. Thanks a bunch,

~Much love 301 boyz

We're Alive

You're probably wondering where a blog post has been this past week. It's called school, we're in it, they're called mid-terms, they rape us. If someone took my tests for me then we'd be able to devout our whole attention to you...this, unfortunately, is not the case....Last night I saw Ryan Knapp for the first time in two years, it was glorious...he had a beard.

~mcm

311 is coming to IC next weekend, get those ticks

Wet Butt

Last night the 301 gang and I had a few friends over before we painted the town red (aka went to the bars). I started off the night drinking Keystone Ice, for you older readers out there this is the Budweiser equivalent of the cheapest beer on the market. It contains 5.9% alcohol content per can. It was going to be a long night. As the night went on we eventually made it downtown where a pretty typical night occurred, I am not going to bore you with the details, those details are pretty blurry anyways so who knows if they are accurate. The boys and I eventually made it home and I decided I would get some grub and water in me before I headed to bed. I made a bowl of shrimp and rice, courtesy of Ginger Wollner, and then grabbed my tall glass of water. The rim of the glass drew closer and closer to my lips, but then it happened. I dropped the full glass. Water soon came flowing out all over both my pants and the couch I was sitting on. It was as if the heavens had been opened up just on me. It must have been punishment for something I had done in my past. Although I was concerned about being wet, I still understood I had Ginger's shrimp and rice to eat. I ate my late night snack and went to bed... in wet underwear and a wet butt. No I didn't change, I was too lazy. Wet butt.

~ Dave

The Charm/Body Weight of 1,000 Men

So my room, in 301, I think is easily the smallest one. Due to this I was unable to have a dresser in it. That's right, I have no dresser, just clothes. With this problem came the solution of buying stilts, or raisers for each leg of my bed. The purpose of this would be to fit storage containers under my bed.

Well around Christmas time one of my stilts gave out while I was sleeping. Naturally I thought that it was one of those damn dreams where you're falling or something. But alas, I woke up at a 45 degree angle with my face against my wall. I eventually figured out a solution and had a solid 3 months of an evened out place to sleep...until last night. Ed decided to come into my room while I was doing homework, "Whatchya doing buddy?" he said as he strolled in. This was unusual, and like Chunk from the Goonies, I got a vibe that something was about to be broken in my living space. He walked the step and a half that it took to get to my bed and threw his right leg in the air, allowing his body to land violently on my innocent twin bed...there was a loud crack as the stilt on the opposite side gave out under the immense pressure...When do I get to catch a break? Or should I say...why did I literally catch a break...

He tried to slink out of the room saying that the bed wasn't regulation size and up to EPA standards...I turned around slowly in my also broken computer chair and returned to work on my already broken screened laptop, jotting down notes with a broken mechanical pencil that needs to be slammed against a desk to get lead out of, and recalled a quote from Joe Dirt...
Life's a garden, you dig it, you make it work for you.

~mcm

Big Daddy Wollner - 2009 Best Charm Champion

Yes, yes...the rumors are true. Edward Wollner has won the ultimate 301 competition.

We simply asked a simply simple question...Who has the best charm? 

And you, the masses, have spoken truth to power by handing me a solid win. 

(I am able to call this solid because David voted for himself 10 times in the final 5 minutes in an attempt to steal a victory.)

To my 129 proud and loyal voters, I would like to thank you. You have shown the world the light of day. When this poll began, the night was as dark as just before the dawn...and you poured out the light right at the crack of dawn. You saw that my charm was one of a kind, and now, thanks to you, everybody must recognize. We are the ones, we've been waiting for. 

To everyone who did not vote for me...you are losers. On a losing side of the game. And for that...I pity you. But if you'd like to write a guest blog, apologizing to me for what I can only assume was an accidental misvote, I will graciously accept. 

I would like to clear up two more things before I sleep easy tonight. 

1. This poll clearly can be skewed to represent the fact that when you people voted for who had the best charm, it meant you were voting for the person who has the best charm, out of everybody you know. So really, I arguably have the most charm out of anybody in America, from sea to shining sea. And considering we have a follower in Spain (Jwaters), this could mean I have the most in parts of the European Union! Wow, I really will sleep easy tonight. 

2. Did I vote for myself? I cannot comment. But, even if I had, my computer only gives me one measly vote, and I won by two (somehow one vote was added after poll closing, I suspect Todd). So...ha. I win. Ps. Ask President Obama if he voted for himself in November. Would you call him a cheater? If you answered yes....you re a racist. 

So thank you America, and parts of Spain, I accept this honor you have bestowed on me. Its dog eat dog in this world, and I am a Pit Bull/Great Dane cross bread...who hasn't been neutered...goodnight. 

~ Edward "Best Charm in the Nation" Wollner

SOOOOOO SAD!!!! (Ed Wollner)

I thought I had seen it all!! I really thought I had seen it all!! All the roommates were sitting around in the living room talking about the charm pole when I said to Ed, "I bet you voted for yourself." He said confidently, "No I didn't, I don't stoop to that level." Little did he know I was about to call out his bluff. I stood up and grabbed his computer. I went to the blog website and noticed his vote was, "Change your vote." I gasped. I was disgusted. I couldn't believe it. What did this mean exactly?? Well... it meant he had already voted for himself! The sad sap actually voted for himself! Now that you know the truth, I beg of you to change your vote and come over to the good side... and always remember my charm isn't called "the charm of a 1000 men" for nothing.

~David

A Selfish, Selfish Act

Erin Johnson, a person who you can find on the 301 buddiez list (which is not an easily accomplished feat), is a woman of the nature. She gives love to animals of the world, just like Steve Irwin and Timothy Treadwell did, without expecting anything in return. However, just like Steve and Timothy (the Grizzly Man), this love, like any other relationship, has the potential to go horribly wrong. Erin was holding one of the lesser known 301 roommates, my tree frog Fat Jim Halpert, when things did in fact go horribly wrong. You can imagine how alarmed I was when I heard a scream from the living room. I knew she was holding him, so the worst of the worst ran through my mind, 'Did someone step on Fat?' 'Did someone try to cook him on the stove?' 'Was Ed naked again?' I exploded into the living room to find Erin in tears and covered...in frog pee. I was relieved to say the least. Erin's new dress was ruined and the rest of the night was utilized trying out different ways to clean it. Fat, much like some of my other roommates when they've had to much to drink, just couldn't hold it, such a selfish, selfish act.

Animals are wild, it's a give give give relationship when you have one. Are there upsides to this constant striving for affection that may never be returned? I'm not sure, ask the Law student who takes his German Shepard to the dog park to relieve some stress after typing a 20 page paper. Ask the little blind boy who's only real friend is his pet parrot who doesn't judge on a lack of senses. Ask the guy who saw Erin's face after his frog peed on her. I bet they'll say yes, yes there are upsides...

God Bless Steve

~mcm

The Cave

Every morning, I used to wake up to sunlight right in my face. I became very annoyed by this and decided to do something. "What did you do David?" Well let me tell you. I tacked up a blanket on my window. I would fully advise this to anyone who likes sleeping in a dark cave and likes being nocturnal. Yes, I understand this takes away my ability to function as a productive member of society, but that's a risk I am willing to take. On the upside, whenever someone calls me lazy I can just tell them that I only slept in because it was so dark and I had no idea what time it was.

Note: I currently have no roommates... Mike is working, Jon is at camp Wapsie (no don't say it... it would be to easy to make fun), and I think Ed is laying naked in his room (no I don't want to go in there and find out). So if anyone wants to be my friend feel free to come over.

April Lie's Day

I hope everyone had a great April fools day. It's not really a holiday, but some people get really excited about it. On April 2nd (day after April fools day), David said to me from the kitchen, "O my god, Mike, there's a mouse under our stove!" obviously I was concerned so I responded, "What! are you sure it's not a cricket?" He then chuckled to himself and said, "mmhhmm, April fools." ...I told him April fools day was yesterday, and you can't just extend it by a day for fun. That would be considered a lie today. I think April fools day at 301 isn't that big of a deal because we lie to each other all the time about stupid stuff. One time Ed told me to "come quick," supposedly he, "needed my help," so I ran into his room...he was lying naked on his bed...

..Trust no one, especially on April fools day, and espeeecially if you visit 301...

on a side note, I received this text from David this morning:

From:Zach
My class starts right now... I'm at the English building right now...I'm walking home right now


~mcm

Flying Leaves

Today was a very very windy day in Iowa City. As I was walking to class, minding my own business, I thought about how I was going to survive an hour and fifteen minutes of "introduction to management". Out of nowhere, a sudden gust of wind came through and brought with it a leaf. That leaf flew right into my eye! I staggered, back and forth, back and forth, hoping I wouldn't pass into the after life. As my eye bled, my life passed before my eyes... well now eye... however, I realized I was too young to die. I rallied, made it to class, and took a nap. After my nap I walked home, thinking about how I was going to make it through "living with Ed Wollner". Just then, another gust of wind came, once again bringing with it a flying leaf! This time it stabbed me in the ear! I still can't believe how bad my luck is. I swear if I didn't have bad luck I wouldn't have any luck at all.

~Dave

CHARM POLL

THIS IS BULLSHIT!!!!

David Zach is winning the best charm vote. I suspect foul play. I bet he hired his sisters to vote for him 20 times so that he could win. Or he asked every Hasley to vote for him. Thats a number of votes no one can contend with. 

If you people want to truly express who the real charmer is and want a legit poll...Vote for Big Daddy!

A. Im not sure Jon OR Mike have any drop of charm in their bodies. 

B. David has no charm. Its a common misconception. He is a SNAKE charmer. Nothing more. 

C. You may look at this post and say "wow, thats sad that Ted needs to blog about getting votes." False. I do not need any campaign to win this poll. I just need to set the record straight so that this a stern, but fair survey. 

So do the right thing...and Vote for me. 

PS. Im John "Papa Bear" Wollner's son, and he has the most charm this side of the Mississippi. So no matter what the results come out to be, I automatically win this poll because of the genes flowing through my body. Thank You.

~ Ted

Why aren't you getting a good nights sleep?

A few minutes ago I saw a commercial for the "Sleep-Number Bed". The commercial asked the question why aren't you getting a good nights sleep? What a STUpid question I realized this was... let me explain. For one, I'm probably drunk... therefore I'm waking up with a hangover. Secondly my bed is a piece of shit... maybe that's why I'm not sleeping well. Thirdly, I'm in wayyy too deep with homework and probably have 3 tests in one week (yes, yes I do)... didn't you ever think about that one Sleep-Number? How about you stop trying to suck money out of my wallet and help me with my fucking homework. Fourthly Mike's crickets are running rampant in the apartment and I hear them chrip all night. Finally, did you ever think about the fact that a train wakes me up at the crack of dawn every morning. No, Sleep-Number, you never thought about any of those things, and for that I hate you. Goodnight readers.

~Dave

Guest Blogger - Ryan T.

When I saw that Ed "I still can only have two beers before I get drunk" Wollner was in the lead for the best charm, I was some what confused. I kept asking myself, "How is this possible? There is something incredibly wrong with Ed "do not let your sister be around me after two beers" Wollner being tied for the lead." Yet for some reason, I couldn't put my finger on it. Then I remembered. Second semester. Freshman year. Sports Column...

Please do not let Ed "I pass out after two beers" Wollner win this poll. He pays for women. How do you think he roped in Tanner?

S-NO more Snow

Welp, snow again in IC. We can't catch a break, all the chad bros who whipped out their plaid shorts last week are crying in their homes as we speak. The girls with dogs feel cheated because they thought it was finally ok to enjoy a walk in the park. I can only imagine how bad of a day the bums are having. Baby Joe and my dad came down today and I asked Joe what he's gonna do on this snowy day. He said he was going to visit the library and check out A Tale of Two Cities after he started his taxes. "Corporate America," he said, "they won't get off my back."

On a side note, I just heard David singing the song from Aladdin in his room, but he changed up the lyrics to this:
"Prince Aliii, hee can goo peee, alliiaassaabbaa"

~mcm

Guest blogger - Derek W.

The 301 Boys, Don't Be Fooled by Appearances

The inhabitants of 301 may seem like all-pro men, but they aren't as great as you think they are.

"TED" Though I hate to talk bad about my own flesh and blood, this one puts the "0" in "301". The self-proclaimed "Big Daddy", is, in reality, the "Big Fatty". His girlfriend Tanner is a loser, too.

"HACK" Leave it to Jon Hackbarth to dish up trouble with Simon Cowell with his stint on the hit TV show "American Idol", where he attracted special attention for his unkempt hair

"MCM" If you want to see strange, look no further than Mike Mettenburg. Look at his own brother: Baby Joe. I used to wonder, Why isn't that baby growing up? Until I found out that he in fact has the exact opposite disease Robin Williams' 
character had in the movie "Jack"

Baby Joe ages ten times slower than the normal human being: he looks to be four years old, when in reality he just recently celebrated his 40th birthday (The Curious Case of Baby Joe Mettenburg).

And Mike himself, do you know what they call people that are oddly short and sing at inappropriate times? Get back to the Chocolate Factory, Loompa, Willy Wonka is looking for you

"ZACH" David Zach has been called many things: Shoulders, Bare Closet, Grasshopper Legs, Cheap Skate, Homeless, The Outlaw, and Magic Man, just to name a few. David balances his time between impressing his girlfriend, LaFawnduh, and a number of other activities the law won't allow me to discuss further. As speculated upon earlier in this blog, David is a human anomaly, neglecting to assert himself into a single describable group of people (ie. David is everything, and David is nothing, all at the same time) He is one of the few human beings to have ever walked this earth that you just have to see to believe such a thing can exist

~ Wollna Boy

Guest blogger - Emily Z.

Trying to think of some good stories? How about the time we were playing scattegories and the letter was "E" and the category was "farm animals" and I put "Ewe." Which was clearly a good answer. And you morons voted it down because not ONE of you knew what a EWE was? I can't believe you idiots all live together, it is like bacteria feeding off of bacteria; filth off of filth. Think about how bad it is going to be with Big T thrown in the mix..... I think David should post about the time he drown a duck.

Guests Opinions

The following two posts are messages I have recieved from Davids sister, Emily, and my own brother, Derek. 

These are their opinions about the boys of 301...

Ps. Derek sent me his knowing it would be posted....Emily didnt. 

~ Ted

Maybe Tomorrow

Dave and I both ended up coming back to the apartment at the same time today. Ed is in bed and Jon went to Chicago around 7 this morning for an interview at Live Nation. Without meaning to, Dave and I sat down on two different couches and relaxed with some salted peanuts. We were sitting quietly staring out our window when David spoke up, "We're always looking out the window...never actually getting out there...lets go do something." I said, "ok, what do you want to do?" He responded with, "mmm, I don't know, lets watch a movie first."

On a side note, a girl bit David's nipple at the bar last night, he says it still really hurts.

~mcm

Freakout

Have you ever seen one roommate freak out on another roommate for a seemingly pointless argument?
Yes. Yes I have.
Last night Mike yelled at Jon because Jon put stuff in his room. Mike claimed it was the thousandth time it had happened. I mean verbally berated him.
David and I sat in our rooms, laughing...hysterically. Just picture Jon in his bed, taking Mikes finger pointing and cursing. It was HILARIOUS.
Moral of the story = next time your roommate puts stuff in your room that "isnt yours," do not freak out and take the Lords name in vain, do it back. Or something else funny.
Then go to your room, crack a bottle, and chillax.
Or do what David and I do to each other...swing your fist.

~ Ted

Dirty Look

Today I was on the street heading to class, when I got the 'not a good time to walk' sign. Of course I crossed anyways, there's that awkward moment when the four or five people around you are wanting to go, but are too afraid to be judged. But this time when I crossed, a lady across from me (who looked like she had been hit by a car before) gave me a really dirty look, as if I was encouraging a youth movement. I thought she was gonna hit me with her purse as I walked by her.

Then I thought, maybe it wasn't a dirty look, and that's just how her face looked after the accident...

~mcm

5 Cent Refund

When I was home last week for Spring Break, Jessica and I were sitting eating dinner with my brother. We were all drinking pop/Propel/beer/10 beers when my brother Derek said something so unbelievably DUMB that I had to blog about it. 

My brother stated that he had always thought the "HI ME 5 (cent sign)" had quite literally meant "Hello, I am a can and I am worth 5 cents if you return me." 

....Yes, he actually believed that. I still cannot believe it. Every single person who has made it through the fifth grade knows that HI and ME stand for the state abbreviations of Hawaii and Maine. 

My brother is an extremely sad man, and I just wanted to point out his stupidity. 

Next time you see him say, "HI UU RR AN IM BA SO LL"

~ Ted

How was your Spring Break

So...Everything that we do in life, should be done basically because you can justify doing it for some reason. So a persons actions are built upon how they justify them. Dissecting this idea can ultimately lead us to very interesting concepts behind the human decision making. For instance, when you put on a jacket, you justify that by saying it is cold out. When you wake up early, you justify drinking a cup of coffee by saying you need to be alert for you job or what not. I have found out that I justify some things that I really want to do, with, sometimes, RIDICULOUS reasons. The general go-to reason would be, 'because it would be a great story,' which is kind of scary, because you can pretty much justify anything with that reason. Take the jacket scenario for instance, if I really wanted to wear this jacket because Ed would be mad at me, and it wasn't cold out, I would justify it by opening a window and making it cold in the room. Or, if I REALLY wanted to go to the south for spring break, and my van wasn't in the best condition, I would justify it by saying I forgot something down there when I used to live there and had to go get it because I needed it really bad. This something would most likely be a pair of jeans. This isn't the real justification for why I took that van, but ultimately, it didn't work out.

Our van broke down in Goddard, Kansas, and we were ready to head home. My aunt ended up being in a town close by, so she came and picked us up and took us back to her place for a night, about 3 hours away. My uncle then let us use his truck to finish off our trip, it was hard for us to get back on the horse, our hearts had been through so much agony already, we weren't sure if we could take much more chances. So we took it. We arrived in AZ 14 hours later and eventually headed to Mexico,

Things that happened in Mexico:
-Lost my Wallet at a bar, went back to bar, had wallet, nothing missing
-Brad was almost stabbed by locals
-Watched a local take 5 tequila shots in a row to show us up
-Realized America is spoiled and there are no twist-top bottles in Mexico
-Jon's second step into the ocean he was bit by a crab
-Passed out on the beach
-Got pulled over by the police and bribed them to leave us alone with $41
-Took a shower in the morning and don't remember taking it in the afternoon
-Aaand many other things...what happens in Mexico...

So...now we had to get home, after surviving my sister Emily's stink on the way home, Jon and I drove 20 hours to Kansas, dropping off Em in Phoenix, adding on some time. We left at 230am and had to catch a a shuttle in Manhattan, Kansas at 230am the next day to take us to a train in Topeka that left at 520am. We made it to the shuttle and to the train, we knew our luck was running out when we got to Topeka 30 min too early and the station wasn't open..we had to sit out in the cold until the people came back. We took the train and got back to 301 on Sunday around 7pm on Sunday. I went to climb in bed and found out that someone had slept there when I was gone...and had pissed in it...I had no bed...my luck, had completely, run, out. SO, last night I slept on the floor, and still have not decided whether or not I should just throw out all my sheets and start over.

What have I learned from this...It's not the best idea to justify things with STUpid reasons, especially because 'it would be a great story.' This has to have some sort of link to immaturity...or brilliance. I have also learned there must be some sort of link between overheating engines and breaks in intake manifolds, among other things. If your really want to experience something and find yourself asking, what am I doing with life. Or want to go three days without taking a shower. Or especially if you find yourself thinking you're invincible...travel across the country on a whim...key word, whim... if this blog is too long, go read the loser who writes the ledge in the Daily Iowan,

please leave a comment below about something that went horribly wrong on your spring break...or should I say, something that went horribly right?

PEACE!

~mcm