Guest Blog - Carly S.

While I know Dr. Edward Wollner (not to be confused with The Bear) has started a meticulous study of David Zach (not to be confused with The Futurist), I recently witnessed a truly original DZ phenomenon.

David is known for his catch phrases such as "When is Zach going to catch a break?", "I was CHEATED", and "If I didn't have bad luck, I wouldn't have any luck at all". Last Thursday night, I heard all three phrases in a two hour span, which is not uncommon. However the circumstances that provoked these remarks was one of a kind.

David, Ed, and Mike showed up at the Gaytles around 10pm for some Beirut (better version of Beer Pong). Mike showed up wearing a... oh never mind. Another topic for another time. I could go on for years about Mike's wardrobe choices.

So, we all play some Beirut. Zach and I are watching some games, and I take this opportunity to ask him how much it sucks to know that his sister likes me more than him. He explains that it is both depressing and embarrassing.

Later, a game startes with Dan and Clark on one side, and the returning champs from the previous game, Willie and David, were on the other.

I will take this opportunity to outline the rules of Beirut for those of you that don't know. Beirut is kind of like Civil War and Beer Pong combined. Each player has six cups in front of them. There are three balls, with continuous shooting during the game. You get reracks when you (as a player) have four, three, and two cups left, and when the team has a total of six between the two of you, you combine them and have the same reracks. If you make three in a row, you get all the balls back, and you get all three balls back to try and force a rebuttal.

Back to the game. Willie takes the first shot, and by first I mean first two, because he took the two balls in his hand (yep) and threw them both. One went in, and when Clark went to reach for it, the other ball bounced off his arm and into a cup.

Clark says "Oooook" and then Dan takes a shot and misses. Willie takes another shot, and makes it, which, as outlined above, means all the balls back. Now, when you get all the balls back, if you continue making shots, you get those balls back as well. And our dear friend Whilden Hughes may have broken the record that night, by going on to make seven shots in row.

At this point, Clark and Dan had taken one shot and were losing by seven. It's not looking so hot. So the game continues, Clark and Dan start making some shots. Willie goes on to make another two.

Zach is missing every, single, shot. After about the fifth shot, Zach takes another and misses horribly, "I was CHEATED", he says.

When you start the game by making seven in a row, one would assume the game would be over quickly. False. This game took just as long as usual. Finally, Clark and Dan catch up and Willie and Zach are still down to one cup, and dear David has not made a single shot. Zach shoots and misses for probably the 30th time, and says "When is Zach going to catch a break!"

Dan and Clark beat Willie and Zach in regular play. They get a chance to try for the rebuttal, three shots to make the one cup they have had sitting there for probably five minutes. Willie takes the first shot, misses. Zach takes the second, he misses. Then Willie decides maybe his luck has run out, and maybe Zach's luck will finally come around.

But you know what the Zach says, "If I didn't have bad luck, I wouldn't have any luck at all." And he may actually be right.

SUSBUS

Abundancy, in the City

Things that are unnecessarily abundant in Iowa City:

-Unicyclists
-Loud Ass Noises (LANs)(i.e. Trains, Drunks yelling at 3pm who started drinking at 1pm, Police Sirens, Cambus's broke-ass brakes squealing)
-Gay rights activists
-Curse words
-Liquor stores
-Crows
-Regina's 50th anniversary street signs
-Cops
-Shady allies that remind you of this guy you know in Western Civ who got jumped last weekend for no reason what so ever after leaving a bar
-Chicago accents (I think I'm in the minor stages of developing one)
-Chicago people (Jon is in the minor stages of BECOMING one, he's living there over the summer)

...But, you know what they say, the more Unicyclists, the merrier...and the less green house gases

on a side note, Ed was bothering David last night, so he took my frogs squirt bottle and sprayed him with it...I've never seen a human so afraid of water in my life, he stumbled out of the door way, fell to his knees, and painfully whispered, "...et tu, Brute?"

~mcm

Swine Flu

If you have been keeping up with the news lately you know about the possible pandemic this country and/or the world may face because of Swine Flu. Well if I die of Swine Flu, this is how I would like my funeral to take place:
First, after much consideration, I do not want to be cremated. Keep my body in tact. But do not bury me in the ground, thats that catch. I want Jessica to lay me to rest on a raft...made of Gold...handcrafted by Casey O'Connell or Casey Farrier, because when I think of the name Casey I think of excellent craftsmanship.
Second, I would then like my father, Papa Bear, to push me out to sea. And by sea I mean the Cedar River. Yes, my home waters of Cedar Rapids.
Third, my gold casket will need to be flammable, so that David Z. can proceed to fire a flaming arrow at me so that I may represent America...with fire and water. If David fails, which is acceptable considering the wild rapids of the Cedar, John Hasley will take his place because he once threatened David and I with a longbow if we put a Hilary Clinton sign in his yard.
Fourth, the song Please Remember Me by Tim McGraw must be played in the background.
Fifth, Please remember me.
Sixth, Tom Garland will tape the whole thing and send it to Mike M. because it will undoubtedly be his sickly body from which I contracted the Swine.
Seventh, Honest Abe must be dug up to oversee the proceedings.

You have my demands.

~ Ted

Catch Up

So last night Jon and I went to the SCOPE party and it went till about 7 in the morning. A bunch of people went to get breakfast in the morning, I went home and Jon stayed at the house. He ended up telling everyone that we needed more ice, so he took the ice tray, filled it up with water, then placed it outside...as if it was still winter outside. A friend of ours witnessed it and said he woke up the next morning and saw the luke-warm tray still sitting on the window sill. Maybe a bum will come get it for a free drink of water today.

Also, we went to TJ and Geoff's, expecting to see Ekland, TJ and Geoff. And as we walked up to the door we saw the one, the only, the KING JI #3 in the door staring out the window. I honestly thought he was bird watching....but he was pizza watching. He said he had just ordered pizza and was watching for it. I thought to myself, if I put at least half of that effort into school, I I'd be getting a 4.0.

And, our internet is down...it went down after our dishwasher gave out...When the maintenance man came to fix it, he walked into our kitchen and said, "o...my...god.." in astonishment at our mountain of dishes, his face looked like this, http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/theoffice/images/thumb/e/eb/Edwardrmeow.jpg/200px-Edwardrmeow.jpg

anyways, God Bless...David won't stop playing Coldplay...301 is back

~MCM

Guest Blog - Jessica T.

What do you actually think about in class? Unless you have a really great lecturer or a really hot professor...nine times out of ten you're probably not really paying attention. This guest blog will let you inside the minds of the 301 boys while they are in class...

If you're Michael Mettenburg you're trying to figure out a way to obtain a writing utensil...upon forgetting his own & not showering before class- it would be hard to ask to borrow a pen from the girl next to him...due to the fact that he would be required to raise his arm thus scaring away said girl with his stench.

If you're David Zach- you're probably doing one of two things...1. rifling through papers that are stuffed between the pages of your notebook because "Zach's don't buy folders" or 2. trying to think up the latest Zach scheme. For example, "Zach Taxi Service" or "Zach Quarters" Yes folks, David Zach wanted to charge people to change their dollars into quarters so they could do their laundry..."gotta make that money"

If you're Edward Wollner you're curling your side burns between two fingers thinking about how you need a hair cut, and re-going over all of your notes because you've noticed your handwriting isn't completely perfect and your OCD is acting up. After realizing you don't actually care about what is being said, you begin to write your next "David Zach Essay"

If you're Jon Hackbarth, the only thing you are thinking about is when you can get back to the library...because even though you have already been there for 8 hours..."I mean like guys I just uh have so much to do..."

And lastly if you're Jessica Tanner- you are sitting in class writing a guest blog trying to help out the 301 boys because they are "too busy" to post themselves. And...just so you know...this class is far from interesting...help me. 

-T

Casino

I would personally like to apologize for the seemingly hiatus we have had lately in regards to this blog. We 301er's just have to put up with so much sometimes that we cant even find time to blog and tell you about it. 

Now, to my story. 

Last week Jessica, David, Mike and I went to a casino to see a Gary Allan concert. Wow, it was good. Gary is one of the greatest entertainers in concert today. Just so ya know. But I am just here to tell you the things I have learned following my trip. 

1. Gary Allan rules all. Download him and love him.

2. Mikes feet stink like the inside of the Devil's asshole.

3. David loses money in blackjack faster than my brother runs a 100 meter (10-11 seconds...I think)

4. How many retirement homes can you fit in one Casino at any given time? Aparently all of them.

5. Minnesota is the 3rd worst state in the Union (better only than Wyoming and Kentucky)

Mike and I made money, needless to say of course. So take these life lessons, remember them, love them. 

Ps. Charlie Chaplin once entered a Charlie Chaplin look-a-like contest...and failed to make the finals. 

Now thats a story.

~ Ted

301 Night Out

I got home last night around 10 from the lib, and slammed a beer, then looked around, and noticed that the only person in the apt was Tanner. I said, tan-dawg, where is everyone, she responded, "oh, they all went to Menards and Dairy Queen." I wasn't invited...literally. So I gave them a call and they came back and picked me up, supposedly they had, "forgot to let me know...." We went to Wal-mart and proceeded to check out. Two things happen at check out usually when the 301 boys go shopping, and they both happened last night. The first involves Ed pretending to be gay. Usually his lines consist of, "ddddaavviiddd, letzz gooo, I wannnaa get hommee." And his actions consist of him grabbing Davids butt. And, eeeverytime this happens, David responds exactly the same way, in a quiet whisper, not making eye contact with Ed, "stop, stop it right now. Fine, there will be consequences...that's it, you're getting spit on." Usually he stops, and shortly after this, the second event happens. Ed will say to David, "David, you might as well treat yourself to some flamin hots (cheetos)." And almost like a machine, as if he is programmed to take a bag off the shelf when you say "flamin hot," he turned his body, picked up a bag, and got back in line. I once saw him drop a flamin hot into his milk on accident. He let it float there for a second, then reached in amd retrieved it and placed it in his mouth.

So next time you are with David in the check out line, try saying flamin hots under your breath and see if he reaches for them.

~mcm

Guest Blog - Derek W.

Once again Teds brother joins 301 with a Guest blog

An Awfully "Shitty" Day

I am currently employed at Hy – Vee Drug Store. I wouldn’t wish having this job upon my worst enemy, there is simply no upside to having it. The chump change they pay you makes it borderline slavery.

Yesterday, as I was bagging groceries (aka bitch work), my direct superior, Jared (who is one of only two people I work with that aren’t complete freaks), approached me saying, “Derek, I got a job for ya. The toilets are backed up in the men’s bath room and we’re gonna need you to clean it up.” Those are the words he used, but what he was really saying was, “Go clean up other people’s shit and piss for two hours.”

I considered these words carefully in my head, their meaning not yet fully setting in. I considered my options: 1. be a good employee and do what my boss tells me to do. 2. pretend I didn’t hear him. 3. respond by saying, “No hablo English.” 4. tell him to go fuck himself, and throw my name tag in his face. or 5. run.

Being the coward that I am, I chose the first option. I grabbed a mop and some water, and slowly crept to the men’s bath room. So many things happened at once as I opened the door: my knees buckled, my nostrils seared with pain, my eyes watered, babies were crying, women were screaming. It’s at moments like this when a man of strongest religion begins to question his faith – if God does exist, how could he allow a smell this bad to exist?

I saw nothing but rolling hills of shit. The once cream colored tile floor was now completely brown and baby spinach green. Ironic phrases popped into my head (“Clean up your shit,” “get your shit together,” etc.) as I mopped the floor and scrubbed the toilets. Two men came in as I was cleaning. The first opened the door, muttered “Jesus”, and slammed it. The second one came in, covered his nose in disgust, looked at me, laughed, and left.

It truly was one of the shittiest days I’ve ever had, literally. To top it all off, after I was done Jared came up to me, took a whiff, then said to me – and I quote, “Go to the back and clean yourself up. You fucking stink.”

~ Derek W. 

The David Essays - Part Three

February 9, 2009

I am currently watching David start his homework that is due tomorrow...it is 12:30 am. So, technically, it is due today. I wish I could put into words the sight I see, but that is impossible. You really have to see David Zach to believe it. He is hunched over, sitting at a computer chair, that is designed for back support. He is staring at a blank screen, the same word document he pulled up ten minutes ago. When asked what he was supposed to be writing about, he gave what has come to be the universal Dave Zach answer..."I don't know." 

Following his singing of the song, "There are no Hasleys like me, I'm all alone"... he is rummaging violently through all his disheveled papers "looking for his information," which I have come to assume is some kind of drug. If one were to look into David's eyes, even the most educated of persons would guess he had just been released from Guantanomo Bay, Cuba, where he was beaten, tortured, and sleep deprived. This would explain the weakened body, landfill style hair, and sunken eyes. Watching David through a mirror, has given me true insight on how to understand him. He is the reverse of mankind. He is the anti-education, anti-production, anti-common sense...He is the anti-everything. 

David, is my buddy. Generally speaking, when something bad happens to one of us, the other takes pleasure in the former's pain. But, through these essays, I have come to feel bad for David. Looking at him through this mirror, in this chair, I have come to realize something. David can be compared to Sylvester the cat, and he is constantly chasing Tweety bird, which symbolizes  Life. Coniving David, or Sylvester, is always so close, but can never truly catch that little yellow bastard. Maybe one day he will, which will unfortunately conclude these essays. But let it be known David, I am rooting for ya. 

Ps. But then again, thats like rooting for Hackbarth to post a blog, or Phil Garland praying for the Cubs to win the World Series........it aint happenin. So give up on those pipe dreams David (and Phil) and embrace what you've got. 

~ Ted

Blog Followers!!!

Attention Blog followers!! If you have not uploaded a picture to your gmail/blog followers profile please do so. I am sick of looking at grey boxes all the time. Be more like Alex Kimbro or Kurt or Emily/Luke and follow in their footsteps. Thanks a bunch,

~Much love 301 boyz

We're Alive

You're probably wondering where a blog post has been this past week. It's called school, we're in it, they're called mid-terms, they rape us. If someone took my tests for me then we'd be able to devout our whole attention to you...this, unfortunately, is not the case....Last night I saw Ryan Knapp for the first time in two years, it was glorious...he had a beard.

~mcm

311 is coming to IC next weekend, get those ticks

Wet Butt

Last night the 301 gang and I had a few friends over before we painted the town red (aka went to the bars). I started off the night drinking Keystone Ice, for you older readers out there this is the Budweiser equivalent of the cheapest beer on the market. It contains 5.9% alcohol content per can. It was going to be a long night. As the night went on we eventually made it downtown where a pretty typical night occurred, I am not going to bore you with the details, those details are pretty blurry anyways so who knows if they are accurate. The boys and I eventually made it home and I decided I would get some grub and water in me before I headed to bed. I made a bowl of shrimp and rice, courtesy of Ginger Wollner, and then grabbed my tall glass of water. The rim of the glass drew closer and closer to my lips, but then it happened. I dropped the full glass. Water soon came flowing out all over both my pants and the couch I was sitting on. It was as if the heavens had been opened up just on me. It must have been punishment for something I had done in my past. Although I was concerned about being wet, I still understood I had Ginger's shrimp and rice to eat. I ate my late night snack and went to bed... in wet underwear and a wet butt. No I didn't change, I was too lazy. Wet butt.

~ Dave

The Charm/Body Weight of 1,000 Men

So my room, in 301, I think is easily the smallest one. Due to this I was unable to have a dresser in it. That's right, I have no dresser, just clothes. With this problem came the solution of buying stilts, or raisers for each leg of my bed. The purpose of this would be to fit storage containers under my bed.

Well around Christmas time one of my stilts gave out while I was sleeping. Naturally I thought that it was one of those damn dreams where you're falling or something. But alas, I woke up at a 45 degree angle with my face against my wall. I eventually figured out a solution and had a solid 3 months of an evened out place to sleep...until last night. Ed decided to come into my room while I was doing homework, "Whatchya doing buddy?" he said as he strolled in. This was unusual, and like Chunk from the Goonies, I got a vibe that something was about to be broken in my living space. He walked the step and a half that it took to get to my bed and threw his right leg in the air, allowing his body to land violently on my innocent twin bed...there was a loud crack as the stilt on the opposite side gave out under the immense pressure...When do I get to catch a break? Or should I say...why did I literally catch a break...

He tried to slink out of the room saying that the bed wasn't regulation size and up to EPA standards...I turned around slowly in my also broken computer chair and returned to work on my already broken screened laptop, jotting down notes with a broken mechanical pencil that needs to be slammed against a desk to get lead out of, and recalled a quote from Joe Dirt...
Life's a garden, you dig it, you make it work for you.

~mcm

Big Daddy Wollner - 2009 Best Charm Champion

Yes, yes...the rumors are true. Edward Wollner has won the ultimate 301 competition.

We simply asked a simply simple question...Who has the best charm? 

And you, the masses, have spoken truth to power by handing me a solid win. 

(I am able to call this solid because David voted for himself 10 times in the final 5 minutes in an attempt to steal a victory.)

To my 129 proud and loyal voters, I would like to thank you. You have shown the world the light of day. When this poll began, the night was as dark as just before the dawn...and you poured out the light right at the crack of dawn. You saw that my charm was one of a kind, and now, thanks to you, everybody must recognize. We are the ones, we've been waiting for. 

To everyone who did not vote for me...you are losers. On a losing side of the game. And for that...I pity you. But if you'd like to write a guest blog, apologizing to me for what I can only assume was an accidental misvote, I will graciously accept. 

I would like to clear up two more things before I sleep easy tonight. 

1. This poll clearly can be skewed to represent the fact that when you people voted for who had the best charm, it meant you were voting for the person who has the best charm, out of everybody you know. So really, I arguably have the most charm out of anybody in America, from sea to shining sea. And considering we have a follower in Spain (Jwaters), this could mean I have the most in parts of the European Union! Wow, I really will sleep easy tonight. 

2. Did I vote for myself? I cannot comment. But, even if I had, my computer only gives me one measly vote, and I won by two (somehow one vote was added after poll closing, I suspect Todd). So...ha. I win. Ps. Ask President Obama if he voted for himself in November. Would you call him a cheater? If you answered yes....you re a racist. 

So thank you America, and parts of Spain, I accept this honor you have bestowed on me. Its dog eat dog in this world, and I am a Pit Bull/Great Dane cross bread...who hasn't been neutered...goodnight. 

~ Edward "Best Charm in the Nation" Wollner

SOOOOOO SAD!!!! (Ed Wollner)

I thought I had seen it all!! I really thought I had seen it all!! All the roommates were sitting around in the living room talking about the charm pole when I said to Ed, "I bet you voted for yourself." He said confidently, "No I didn't, I don't stoop to that level." Little did he know I was about to call out his bluff. I stood up and grabbed his computer. I went to the blog website and noticed his vote was, "Change your vote." I gasped. I was disgusted. I couldn't believe it. What did this mean exactly?? Well... it meant he had already voted for himself! The sad sap actually voted for himself! Now that you know the truth, I beg of you to change your vote and come over to the good side... and always remember my charm isn't called "the charm of a 1000 men" for nothing.

~David

A Selfish, Selfish Act

Erin Johnson, a person who you can find on the 301 buddiez list (which is not an easily accomplished feat), is a woman of the nature. She gives love to animals of the world, just like Steve Irwin and Timothy Treadwell did, without expecting anything in return. However, just like Steve and Timothy (the Grizzly Man), this love, like any other relationship, has the potential to go horribly wrong. Erin was holding one of the lesser known 301 roommates, my tree frog Fat Jim Halpert, when things did in fact go horribly wrong. You can imagine how alarmed I was when I heard a scream from the living room. I knew she was holding him, so the worst of the worst ran through my mind, 'Did someone step on Fat?' 'Did someone try to cook him on the stove?' 'Was Ed naked again?' I exploded into the living room to find Erin in tears and covered...in frog pee. I was relieved to say the least. Erin's new dress was ruined and the rest of the night was utilized trying out different ways to clean it. Fat, much like some of my other roommates when they've had to much to drink, just couldn't hold it, such a selfish, selfish act.

Animals are wild, it's a give give give relationship when you have one. Are there upsides to this constant striving for affection that may never be returned? I'm not sure, ask the Law student who takes his German Shepard to the dog park to relieve some stress after typing a 20 page paper. Ask the little blind boy who's only real friend is his pet parrot who doesn't judge on a lack of senses. Ask the guy who saw Erin's face after his frog peed on her. I bet they'll say yes, yes there are upsides...

God Bless Steve

~mcm

The Cave

Every morning, I used to wake up to sunlight right in my face. I became very annoyed by this and decided to do something. "What did you do David?" Well let me tell you. I tacked up a blanket on my window. I would fully advise this to anyone who likes sleeping in a dark cave and likes being nocturnal. Yes, I understand this takes away my ability to function as a productive member of society, but that's a risk I am willing to take. On the upside, whenever someone calls me lazy I can just tell them that I only slept in because it was so dark and I had no idea what time it was.

Note: I currently have no roommates... Mike is working, Jon is at camp Wapsie (no don't say it... it would be to easy to make fun), and I think Ed is laying naked in his room (no I don't want to go in there and find out). So if anyone wants to be my friend feel free to come over.

April Lie's Day

I hope everyone had a great April fools day. It's not really a holiday, but some people get really excited about it. On April 2nd (day after April fools day), David said to me from the kitchen, "O my god, Mike, there's a mouse under our stove!" obviously I was concerned so I responded, "What! are you sure it's not a cricket?" He then chuckled to himself and said, "mmhhmm, April fools." ...I told him April fools day was yesterday, and you can't just extend it by a day for fun. That would be considered a lie today. I think April fools day at 301 isn't that big of a deal because we lie to each other all the time about stupid stuff. One time Ed told me to "come quick," supposedly he, "needed my help," so I ran into his room...he was lying naked on his bed...

..Trust no one, especially on April fools day, and espeeecially if you visit 301...

on a side note, I received this text from David this morning:

From:Zach
My class starts right now... I'm at the English building right now...I'm walking home right now


~mcm

Flying Leaves

Today was a very very windy day in Iowa City. As I was walking to class, minding my own business, I thought about how I was going to survive an hour and fifteen minutes of "introduction to management". Out of nowhere, a sudden gust of wind came through and brought with it a leaf. That leaf flew right into my eye! I staggered, back and forth, back and forth, hoping I wouldn't pass into the after life. As my eye bled, my life passed before my eyes... well now eye... however, I realized I was too young to die. I rallied, made it to class, and took a nap. After my nap I walked home, thinking about how I was going to make it through "living with Ed Wollner". Just then, another gust of wind came, once again bringing with it a flying leaf! This time it stabbed me in the ear! I still can't believe how bad my luck is. I swear if I didn't have bad luck I wouldn't have any luck at all.

~Dave