CHARM POLL

THIS IS BULLSHIT!!!!

David Zach is winning the best charm vote. I suspect foul play. I bet he hired his sisters to vote for him 20 times so that he could win. Or he asked every Hasley to vote for him. Thats a number of votes no one can contend with. 

If you people want to truly express who the real charmer is and want a legit poll...Vote for Big Daddy!

A. Im not sure Jon OR Mike have any drop of charm in their bodies. 

B. David has no charm. Its a common misconception. He is a SNAKE charmer. Nothing more. 

C. You may look at this post and say "wow, thats sad that Ted needs to blog about getting votes." False. I do not need any campaign to win this poll. I just need to set the record straight so that this a stern, but fair survey. 

So do the right thing...and Vote for me. 

PS. Im John "Papa Bear" Wollner's son, and he has the most charm this side of the Mississippi. So no matter what the results come out to be, I automatically win this poll because of the genes flowing through my body. Thank You.

~ Ted

Why aren't you getting a good nights sleep?

A few minutes ago I saw a commercial for the "Sleep-Number Bed". The commercial asked the question why aren't you getting a good nights sleep? What a STUpid question I realized this was... let me explain. For one, I'm probably drunk... therefore I'm waking up with a hangover. Secondly my bed is a piece of shit... maybe that's why I'm not sleeping well. Thirdly, I'm in wayyy too deep with homework and probably have 3 tests in one week (yes, yes I do)... didn't you ever think about that one Sleep-Number? How about you stop trying to suck money out of my wallet and help me with my fucking homework. Fourthly Mike's crickets are running rampant in the apartment and I hear them chrip all night. Finally, did you ever think about the fact that a train wakes me up at the crack of dawn every morning. No, Sleep-Number, you never thought about any of those things, and for that I hate you. Goodnight readers.

~Dave

Guest Blogger - Ryan T.

When I saw that Ed "I still can only have two beers before I get drunk" Wollner was in the lead for the best charm, I was some what confused. I kept asking myself, "How is this possible? There is something incredibly wrong with Ed "do not let your sister be around me after two beers" Wollner being tied for the lead." Yet for some reason, I couldn't put my finger on it. Then I remembered. Second semester. Freshman year. Sports Column...

Please do not let Ed "I pass out after two beers" Wollner win this poll. He pays for women. How do you think he roped in Tanner?

S-NO more Snow

Welp, snow again in IC. We can't catch a break, all the chad bros who whipped out their plaid shorts last week are crying in their homes as we speak. The girls with dogs feel cheated because they thought it was finally ok to enjoy a walk in the park. I can only imagine how bad of a day the bums are having. Baby Joe and my dad came down today and I asked Joe what he's gonna do on this snowy day. He said he was going to visit the library and check out A Tale of Two Cities after he started his taxes. "Corporate America," he said, "they won't get off my back."

On a side note, I just heard David singing the song from Aladdin in his room, but he changed up the lyrics to this:
"Prince Aliii, hee can goo peee, alliiaassaabbaa"

~mcm

Guest blogger - Derek W.

The 301 Boys, Don't Be Fooled by Appearances

The inhabitants of 301 may seem like all-pro men, but they aren't as great as you think they are.

"TED" Though I hate to talk bad about my own flesh and blood, this one puts the "0" in "301". The self-proclaimed "Big Daddy", is, in reality, the "Big Fatty". His girlfriend Tanner is a loser, too.

"HACK" Leave it to Jon Hackbarth to dish up trouble with Simon Cowell with his stint on the hit TV show "American Idol", where he attracted special attention for his unkempt hair

"MCM" If you want to see strange, look no further than Mike Mettenburg. Look at his own brother: Baby Joe. I used to wonder, Why isn't that baby growing up? Until I found out that he in fact has the exact opposite disease Robin Williams' 
character had in the movie "Jack"

Baby Joe ages ten times slower than the normal human being: he looks to be four years old, when in reality he just recently celebrated his 40th birthday (The Curious Case of Baby Joe Mettenburg).

And Mike himself, do you know what they call people that are oddly short and sing at inappropriate times? Get back to the Chocolate Factory, Loompa, Willy Wonka is looking for you

"ZACH" David Zach has been called many things: Shoulders, Bare Closet, Grasshopper Legs, Cheap Skate, Homeless, The Outlaw, and Magic Man, just to name a few. David balances his time between impressing his girlfriend, LaFawnduh, and a number of other activities the law won't allow me to discuss further. As speculated upon earlier in this blog, David is a human anomaly, neglecting to assert himself into a single describable group of people (ie. David is everything, and David is nothing, all at the same time) He is one of the few human beings to have ever walked this earth that you just have to see to believe such a thing can exist

~ Wollna Boy

Guest blogger - Emily Z.

Trying to think of some good stories? How about the time we were playing scattegories and the letter was "E" and the category was "farm animals" and I put "Ewe." Which was clearly a good answer. And you morons voted it down because not ONE of you knew what a EWE was? I can't believe you idiots all live together, it is like bacteria feeding off of bacteria; filth off of filth. Think about how bad it is going to be with Big T thrown in the mix..... I think David should post about the time he drown a duck.

Guests Opinions

The following two posts are messages I have recieved from Davids sister, Emily, and my own brother, Derek. 

These are their opinions about the boys of 301...

Ps. Derek sent me his knowing it would be posted....Emily didnt. 

~ Ted

Maybe Tomorrow

Dave and I both ended up coming back to the apartment at the same time today. Ed is in bed and Jon went to Chicago around 7 this morning for an interview at Live Nation. Without meaning to, Dave and I sat down on two different couches and relaxed with some salted peanuts. We were sitting quietly staring out our window when David spoke up, "We're always looking out the window...never actually getting out there...lets go do something." I said, "ok, what do you want to do?" He responded with, "mmm, I don't know, lets watch a movie first."

On a side note, a girl bit David's nipple at the bar last night, he says it still really hurts.

~mcm

Freakout

Have you ever seen one roommate freak out on another roommate for a seemingly pointless argument?
Yes. Yes I have.
Last night Mike yelled at Jon because Jon put stuff in his room. Mike claimed it was the thousandth time it had happened. I mean verbally berated him.
David and I sat in our rooms, laughing...hysterically. Just picture Jon in his bed, taking Mikes finger pointing and cursing. It was HILARIOUS.
Moral of the story = next time your roommate puts stuff in your room that "isnt yours," do not freak out and take the Lords name in vain, do it back. Or something else funny.
Then go to your room, crack a bottle, and chillax.
Or do what David and I do to each other...swing your fist.

~ Ted

Dirty Look

Today I was on the street heading to class, when I got the 'not a good time to walk' sign. Of course I crossed anyways, there's that awkward moment when the four or five people around you are wanting to go, but are too afraid to be judged. But this time when I crossed, a lady across from me (who looked like she had been hit by a car before) gave me a really dirty look, as if I was encouraging a youth movement. I thought she was gonna hit me with her purse as I walked by her.

Then I thought, maybe it wasn't a dirty look, and that's just how her face looked after the accident...

~mcm

5 Cent Refund

When I was home last week for Spring Break, Jessica and I were sitting eating dinner with my brother. We were all drinking pop/Propel/beer/10 beers when my brother Derek said something so unbelievably DUMB that I had to blog about it. 

My brother stated that he had always thought the "HI ME 5 (cent sign)" had quite literally meant "Hello, I am a can and I am worth 5 cents if you return me." 

....Yes, he actually believed that. I still cannot believe it. Every single person who has made it through the fifth grade knows that HI and ME stand for the state abbreviations of Hawaii and Maine. 

My brother is an extremely sad man, and I just wanted to point out his stupidity. 

Next time you see him say, "HI UU RR AN IM BA SO LL"

~ Ted

How was your Spring Break

So...Everything that we do in life, should be done basically because you can justify doing it for some reason. So a persons actions are built upon how they justify them. Dissecting this idea can ultimately lead us to very interesting concepts behind the human decision making. For instance, when you put on a jacket, you justify that by saying it is cold out. When you wake up early, you justify drinking a cup of coffee by saying you need to be alert for you job or what not. I have found out that I justify some things that I really want to do, with, sometimes, RIDICULOUS reasons. The general go-to reason would be, 'because it would be a great story,' which is kind of scary, because you can pretty much justify anything with that reason. Take the jacket scenario for instance, if I really wanted to wear this jacket because Ed would be mad at me, and it wasn't cold out, I would justify it by opening a window and making it cold in the room. Or, if I REALLY wanted to go to the south for spring break, and my van wasn't in the best condition, I would justify it by saying I forgot something down there when I used to live there and had to go get it because I needed it really bad. This something would most likely be a pair of jeans. This isn't the real justification for why I took that van, but ultimately, it didn't work out.

Our van broke down in Goddard, Kansas, and we were ready to head home. My aunt ended up being in a town close by, so she came and picked us up and took us back to her place for a night, about 3 hours away. My uncle then let us use his truck to finish off our trip, it was hard for us to get back on the horse, our hearts had been through so much agony already, we weren't sure if we could take much more chances. So we took it. We arrived in AZ 14 hours later and eventually headed to Mexico,

Things that happened in Mexico:
-Lost my Wallet at a bar, went back to bar, had wallet, nothing missing
-Brad was almost stabbed by locals
-Watched a local take 5 tequila shots in a row to show us up
-Realized America is spoiled and there are no twist-top bottles in Mexico
-Jon's second step into the ocean he was bit by a crab
-Passed out on the beach
-Got pulled over by the police and bribed them to leave us alone with $41
-Took a shower in the morning and don't remember taking it in the afternoon
-Aaand many other things...what happens in Mexico...

So...now we had to get home, after surviving my sister Emily's stink on the way home, Jon and I drove 20 hours to Kansas, dropping off Em in Phoenix, adding on some time. We left at 230am and had to catch a a shuttle in Manhattan, Kansas at 230am the next day to take us to a train in Topeka that left at 520am. We made it to the shuttle and to the train, we knew our luck was running out when we got to Topeka 30 min too early and the station wasn't open..we had to sit out in the cold until the people came back. We took the train and got back to 301 on Sunday around 7pm on Sunday. I went to climb in bed and found out that someone had slept there when I was gone...and had pissed in it...I had no bed...my luck, had completely, run, out. SO, last night I slept on the floor, and still have not decided whether or not I should just throw out all my sheets and start over.

What have I learned from this...It's not the best idea to justify things with STUpid reasons, especially because 'it would be a great story.' This has to have some sort of link to immaturity...or brilliance. I have also learned there must be some sort of link between overheating engines and breaks in intake manifolds, among other things. If your really want to experience something and find yourself asking, what am I doing with life. Or want to go three days without taking a shower. Or especially if you find yourself thinking you're invincible...travel across the country on a whim...key word, whim... if this blog is too long, go read the loser who writes the ledge in the Daily Iowan,

please leave a comment below about something that went horribly wrong on your spring break...or should I say, something that went horribly right?

PEACE!

~mcm

Bring It On

Let me start by letting all our loyal fans know that I am ok. I went through many trials and tribulations this spring break, but I fought on, and live to tell the tale.

Many men, and women for that matter, have tried to take me down in my lifetime. But nothing has ever come as close as the bastard virus and biological parasite that modern physicians and medical institutions call...pneumonia.

Was it the brother that elbowed me in the ribs when I got home from the hospital? No.

Was it the possible ear infection I got when my mother shoved a thermometer in my ear as I slept? No.

Was it the waking up in the middle of the night shivering with 4 layers of clothes on? No.

Was it getting ass naked under the hospital garments and having 2 nurses walk in, look in the general direction of my privates, having them laugh in your face and say "you can keep your shorts on"? Almost, but no.

Or was it laying on a horrible hospital bed with back pain, needles in both arms, staring into a bright white light for 4 hours, with a 105 temperature? No.

None of these things have taken me down and out this week. With a Clark Kent immune system like mine, I dont see how it could.

So to any man, woman, and child who dare cross me...dont. You...will...lose.

If youre wondering if there is any point whatsoever to this post, which you no doubt are, there is not. I have been talking to the Heath Ledger poster in our living room for 2 hours now. I am simply just alone and depressed in 301. Ditched by all my roommates. Pity me.

~ Ted

Any guest bloggers out there?

The 301 boyz are requesting guest bloggers. Blogs can be sent to 301boyz@gmail.com Tell us about your bullshit day, why you hate us, or anything else on your mind. Peace and love to all.

~301 Boyz

David's Day

Once again it is I posting on this blog and for that I am sorry. Mike and Jon are still in Mexico and Ed has Pneumonia. Last night he went to the emergency room and found out he had a temperature of 105°F, hopefully we can rally him tomorrow. Today I woke up around noon with a broken back... it seemed like it was going to be a typical day. I did a little of this and a little of that, aka nothing, and then went to the Longbranch restaurant to get wings for $4.00. The waitress asked us what we wanted to drink and I told her I would take a cherry Coke... the waitress never came back. Never. I stuffed my face praying to God she would come back before I passed out due to dehydration but she never did. I eventually got so thirsty that I had to go to the bar and order a pitcher of water... yes a pitcher of water, I tipped the bartender $1 dollar.

~Dave

Mike and Jon Update

As you all know the piece of shit van Mike and Jon were driving broke down in Goddard, Kansas. For some reason mike has the best luck in the world and happened to have family, the Tidwell family, living 2 hours away. Mike's uncle, Tidwell, drove to Goddard and picked the two sad saps up and brought them back to his home. According to Mike, Tidwell cooked them a steak dinner and they stayed the night there. In the morning uncle Tidwell offered his truck to Mike and Jon... why he did this I have no idea, but the boys were happier than 2 school girls. Sometime this morning Mike and Jon crossed the Mexican border and are headed to Puerto Penasco, however, there was one problem... Jon didn't bring an original copy of his birth certificate! Mike told him to bring an original, but for some reason he doesn't think he has to abide by the laws put in place by the Department of Homeland Security! The two goons still have no idea how they are going to get back into the United States or how they are going to get from Kansas to Iowa. Say a prayer for them and let’s just hope they don't get a new definition for "burrito" in some Mexican prison.

~Dave

Mike's Van Totaled!!!

Hello fellow blog readers out there. I hope you are enjoying your spring break and I just wanted to give you an update on Mike and Jon. They are still stranded in Goddard, Kansas and took the van to a repair shop today to find out what was wrong with it. The van has a blown head gasket... something that is very expensive to have fixed and definitely not worth repairing on a van that is worth less than one dollar. According to Hackbarth, "Catching a Greyhound out of this God forsaken town is our only chance of survival right now". I will keep you bums updated on what is going on, and don't forget to vote in the poll on the top right of the blog page... it is a close race.

~With love Dave

Goddard

I come to you...in my humblest of hours...and I come to you, on the wireless internet of the Express Inn, in Goddard, Kansas. I feel obligated to let our fans know, that their two favorite 301 boyz are still alive, and still well. To correct a few items on the last post by Dave, the trip we set out on was a 1500 mile adventure, not a 7000 mile adventure, if we were planning on driving 7000 miles, we would be driving to Japan. Secondly, Jon says that his hair is strawberry brown. He was correct on our intentions however, Mexico, tan, beach, beer pong on beach, these are just some of the things our convo included on the way down. We are now spending our break in Kansas...There is a Movie Barn next door, and a Subway a stones throw away. It's 57 degrees outside, not the 90 we were shooting for. I brought two Miller Genuine Drafts and told Jon before we left, that if we didn't make it the whole way, we would crack them...I'm staring at the golden bottle as I write this. I love my van, it's like watching my son I never had trip on the soccer field during his big game. I pray she will be ok, until then, I will be here, in Goddard, the middle of nowhere, if you need me. And just for the record, I'd like to say, David, you were right, and I, I was wrong,
I love my country, but I wouldn't wish staying in Goddard on my worst enemies,
If you'd like a postcard, please leave your address in the comments,


<3~mcm

Stranded in Wichita, Kansas!!!!

Mike and Jon (Appleseed) have been planning on driving to Phoenix, Arizona and then to Mexico for about 2 months now. I really wanted to go but I knew we didn't have reliable transportation, a Pontiac van with 155,000 miles and is driven around by Michael Conrad Mettenburg it isn't my idea of reliable, so I told Mike I would pass. I had been telling Mike for weeks that he needs to get his van checked out but he assures me "it will be fine". Mike didn't even want to get an oil change for the 7000 mile trip... something that needs to be done every 3000 miles. Finally, after weeks of me nagging at Mike he took his van in for a checkup. They told him he needed to get several things fixed before he took it but once again Mike asured me "it would be fine". The adventure started this morning... Mike and Jon hit the open road without an oil change, without fixing the car, and with the wind blowing in Jon's long girly red hair. All seemed well as they traveled south thinking about how much fun they would have on their spring break. All that fun ended in Wichita, Kansas. After being on the road for a little over 8 hours their car finally broke down. That alternator belt which was cracked and definitely needed to be replaced, yea that belt snapped like a twig under Ed Wollner's weight. So to sum it up... Mike and Jon are stranded in Wichita, Kansas as we speak, and the best part of the whole story is this... clear your face and try not laughing. But really clear your face and try not laughing. CAR REPAIR SHOPS AREN'T OPEN ON SUNDAYS!!

~Dave :)

State that State

I still cannot believe this happened. 

Last night we were playing Jeopardy. Yes, 301 creates their own Jeopardy boards and play it on the daily. Anyway, I created this certain board and one of the categories was "State that State." Ryan Thompson was a guest player last night and he answered the very first question in that category (100 points, the easiest question in the category). The sequence of events is as follows:

Question: "America's only island state"

Thompson's answer: "What is Rhode Island"                                                                                                                                                                           

........enough said

~ Ted

Kook alert! Kook alert!

Who want what? Time isn't wasted, when you getting wasted.

Tonight Eddie, Jon, Rach, Tanner and Katie and I went to Mesa, a sweet pizza hot spot, it was killer. We were all laughing and chillaxing, when this guy came up to us, grabbed Jon's arm, and said, "hey, I know you all are laughing at me, so just know, I'm not dumb," of course, we had NO idea what he was talking about. Even Jon was dumbfounded, I saw him sit there, wide eyed, so I had to speak up. "Um, dude, we weren't laughing at you, don't worry about it." He responded with, "Well you know Alex Johnson right!?" I looked at Jon out of my periph, and he was still staring wide eyed, so I said for him, "yeah, yeah, Alex Johnson, good friend, good friend." Then he went on to say, "WELL, then you'll hear about it tomorrow," that's when we knew this guy was a kook. Will we "hear about it tomorrow?" that's for time to tell, but sometimes, you just have to tell yourself...

Hey, some people are Kooks, some people are straight up, Kooks,

"I'm on a boat"
the 11th was Kathryn's (my sister) Bday, go saints and Kat's the best...even though she might be a Kook...

~mcm

When a "friend" is supposed to be a friend

Disclaimer: Due to ed being an ass his name will not be capitalized in this blog.
His name is edward Michael Wollner. The forefather before him was John "The Bear" Wollner. The forefather before him was Edward Wollner (Yes I know it's very confusing but sadly it's true). On Tuesday March 11. 2008 all three of them lost my friendship due to the asinine decisions of edward Micahel. ed and I had planned to go to the Xavier track meet today because they were running in Iowa City. I told ed, "Yea I'll go, I have a meeting at 5:10 but just wait for me and we will go together afterwards". ed replied, "Yea that will work out I'll see you at home then". At around 6 P.M. I called ed informing him my meeting was over and I was on my way home. Now I will admit that I should have known he was going to sell me out (past history proves this to be the case) but I really didn't think he would be this bad of a friend. ed responded on the phone, "Uh here is the deal David. It's just that. Well. You see the problem is that. The problem is that I'm already at the track meet." GET A NEW FRIEND eD!

~Dave

Mikes Socks

For the love of God, someone please help Mike Conrad Mettenburg. 

Every day I return to my apartment, I see Mike and immediately feel sick. The boy needs new socks, now. When I come home I like to play a game called "What Different Colored Socks is Mike Wearing Today?"

But today, alas, the socks were the same color...kind of. You would assume that I would mean white or black or some color manufacturers usually dye their sock products. 

No, no. They used to be white. 

Now, they are so dirty and poop colored that they look like he hand washed them in the Iowa River (the second dirtiest river in America...literally). 

So I hereby ask for your help in raising some funds to buy Mike new socks. 

Please...help...you will not only be doing him a huge favor, but more importantly you'll be doing ME an even bigger one. 

It will finally put an end to this game that I reluctantly am forced to play every day. Thank you.

~ Ted

Spine of Solid Steel

People call me the Spine of Steel. I consider myself a pretty intimidating person. Especially in the winter time when I can wear three layers of coats/sweaters, I fill in pretty good. But alas, there are always those times when the victim is looking away or not paying attention to me. In these cases, my voice doesn't do justice to my image. For instance, this morning, when I caught the bus to class. 8 out of 10 times the bus will stop at every stop even if you don't reach up and pull that STUpid string.

Here comes my stop, I fold up my paper ever so gently as to not draw too much attention to myself, but it's too late. The little old lady is already staring at me, I shoot her a quick death stare, and she retracts her gaze. Intimidating. So I get up for my stop, walk up to the door...He isn't slowing down...I figure it's one of the assholes who doesn't stop at every stop so I pull that STUpid string...He doesn't stop...If he could only turn around and see this image that demands respect...I walk up behind him quickly, but only enough time to get out, 'aa...thhaa..couldd youu..' It was too late, he cruised by my stop, I was forced to get off at the next one. As I exited I saw him hi-five his cronies back on board, I knew there was something intentional about the non-stop. As I walked the block and 1/2 back towards my original destination, I couldn't help but think about some wise words my Dad told me not to long ago. If I only would have spoke up louder at that stop, I wouldn't be walking in the freezing cold right now, I thought.

Many times in life you will find yourself in a situation where you don't want to go out of your comfort zone to better your situation, but as my Dad says, "If you don't say, you'll pay."

"I'm on a boat mutha$%@*#, I'm on a boat"
~mcm

My Day Yesterday

First of all, I was not drunk. 

Secondly, I am Big Daddy. 

Third, I deserved a few beers last night. I had two midterms yesterday. The first one was at 430, in which I only had 50 minutes to complete about 10 essays. Hmm, that was fun. The second one was at 530, yes thats right, only an hour after the first. This one was Computer Analysis, just rolls off the tounge doesnt it? Why me? I will be lucky to have gotten 50% on that one. That'll do wonders for my grade. 

Bottom line, I deserved those Sam Adams and I am Big Daddy. Learn and love the nickname.

~ Ted

"Ok, this is my laaast one"

Ed was just in the kitchen talking to himself, and by talking to himself, I mean he was saying "Big Daddy" (his self acclaimed nickname) over and over again in a ritual manner. He then declared that he will be talking in third person from now on. I wish he had said he put cockroaches in my bed. I think he's on beer nuummbbeerrr 7? I think you know he's drunk when he starts saying 'aalllright, last one' before every beer he cracks, and, when he starts to yell single words in the middle of a sentence. He just asked me, "what kind of BAGEELS, do you like, Mike."

just call me Small Child

~mcm

When you are in too deep.

It is currently 8:59 P.M. I am just starting a 5 page paper that is due tomorrow and to top it off I don't even have the book I need to write the paper... I left it in Cedar Rapids.

~ DDZ

The David Essays - Part Two

David is ALWAYS eating. This essay was in part as observation of that phenomenon. 

February 4, 2009

I have come to notice David's memory. It is very unique in the sense that it is so different from his fellow beings. There are two different things taking place here. 

A. It, being his memory, is VERY short. I think this may be in direct correlation with his attention span. He forgets events and information that he has experienced within a matter of mere seconds, literally. 

B. It also appears that he creates his own version of history, ergo convincing himself that what he created actually happened. His ability to manipulate others has somehow leaked over to his own brain, therefore manipulating himself. Whether he does this consciencly or unconsciencly will take more days of observation. 

I once read that warthogs can eat a full course meal, and as soon as it is finished will go on the hunt for more food. It does this because its memory is so short term that it completely forgot it just stuffed its fat face and filled its belly. I see many of the same traits in David, which leads me to want to confirm the widely held belief that David Zach is very closely related (if not descended from) the pig family. Simply put...he is a disgusting pig. 

~ Ted

Guest blogger, Greg T

Today, I was walking to the library when I noticed my friend and future roommate Jon Hackbarth walking towards me. I was glad to see a familiar face and was prepairing to stop and have a little chat with my good friend Jon. At a distance of 30 feet Jon and I made eye contact. As Jon and I approached each other I stoped and said, "hey Jon, how are you".....

Jon didnt say anything...
and he never stoped walking...

-Greg T.

Carlos O'Couch

So after a long weekend of R&R in good ol' Cedar Rapids, and a few nights of profuse sweating trying to recover from yet anther illness, I came home to all of my great friends...and a couple of pigs...


~mcm

"Too sugary" Rockstar energy drink

This happened last thursday night and I forgot to blog it until now, but here it is.

Hackbarth and I were in the kitchen as I cracked open a Rockstar energy drink. Jon turns to me and says "Man, I mean, I just cant drink that stuff." I replied, "Whys that," expecting something good to come of this. He said (as he ruffled his hair), "I mean, its just so surgary, I feel like I am just pouring a spoon full of sugar down my throat."

I was so taken aback. Do you know why? I'll tell you why. Well I decided to not call him Merry Poppins for the spoon comment, and instead, without words, reached for the Rockstar box. I put it up to his face and pointed at the label...the picture is all you need to see to understand how great and funny a moment this was for me.....

~ Ted

Sportsmanship- The Zach Wollner way.

Ed and I are on an intramural basketball team here at The University of Iowa. We recently had a game where we had no choice but to throw elbows, fists, and even a few times people. Here is a letter our team received after the game.

This memorandum is to inform you that on Thursday, February 26, 2009, your men’s basketball team “Team Nitro” received a 3 sportsmanship rating by the officials. Teams that receive the lowest rating of a 3 in a game will be rated in the next game by the sport supervisor. Consistently poor sportsmanship ratings can result in disciplinary actions, including, but not limited to team/player suspension or team/player expulsion from the league. Failure to maintain a seasonal average of 2.5 or better will also disqualify the team from further play. Your team will be rated by the sport supervisor during your first playoff game.

~Dave

The David Essays - Part One

I have begun observing David Zach and noting these observations in a special notebook. I started this at the end of January and have continued a few times since. I will continue to do this in the future and publish my findings on the blog. The goal is to one day be honored for all of this when I put all the future essays in one large volume for the world to learn from. Enjoy.

January 28, 2009

Today I watched David take notes during stats. His handwriting and his demeanor while note taking is truly something to witness. It leads me to believe there is a direct correlation between these characteristics and the way his brain functions. That can only be described as clueless chicken scratch. He is the last of his kind, whatever kind that is.

I don't even know if he can read his own handwriting, which begs the question, can he read life as a normal person does? I have often contemplated this question about him. I am always led to the same conclusion...No.

It seems that his every move and thought represents the overall struggle of mankind. Evolution, and therefore natural selection, has appeared to not affect David. He has seemed to rewrite everything scientists have discovered about the biology of man. His mind works very sporadically, jumping from thought to thought every 10 seconds, while amazingly still focusing on one ultimate objective...skating by.

David Zach is either severely handicapped, or unbelievably ahead of his time. Either stuck in a time long surpassed by his fellow humans, or evolved much further along than anyone can imagine.

He is, a spectacle of a human being.

~ Ted

ATM Machine

Today I went to the mall so I could purchase some computer software for my sister (you are welcome Marie). I walked up to the ATM knowing I was about to be scammed out of a $1.50 transaction fee, but this was out of my control so I continued on. I slid my card through the ATM and punched in my pin number. All seemed normal. Except for that weird guy with the beard who was staring at me... but that's neither here nor there. I clicked "withdraw" on the screen and prepared to grab my $20 bucks. That's when it all happened. No money came out. None. Not 5, 10, 15, or even the 20 which I should have received. None. Here is the kicker... please prepare yourself for this. Remember that transaction fee?? Yea so do I. The company still charged me for this!!! The company charged me $21.50 for nothing. Nothing.

~Dave

"One big wrinkle"

Hackbarth was headed to a lecture tonight so he dressed up in a button up shirt. When he walked out into the living room Ed said, "Jon, I didn't know that wrinkle was the new iron." After Jon left, Ed commented more on the situation, "he looked like one big wrinkle, literally...and with that hair...literally...one big wrinkle."

I stayed neutral, as to not lose a friend, but mostly because 3/4 of what I wear, is also, very wrinkled...but if you wear a jacket over the wrinkled shirt, will it really matter?

If a tree falls, deep in the forest, does it make a sound?

~mcm

Alarm clock from hell

I rolled over this morning with a hangover and everything seemed to be normal. I knew I had my alarm clock set for 9:30 a.m. so I could get to my bullshit class where we were watching "Robin and Marian." As I look at the alarm clock I am thinking "please, please, just let me have 1 more hour of sleep left." Why did I actually think I could catch one break? Now let me remind you I have to get up at 9:30 a.m. When I looked at the clock I saw 9:29 a.m.! So what did I do you ask? What did I do? Simple... I ripped the alarm clock out of the wall and went back to fucking bed!

The easy way out

Ed Dave Jessica and I just got done playing a game of scattergorries. It was Ed and Jessica vs. David and me. After Dave and I swept the competition Jessica turned to Ed and said, "I think I'm gonna have to play next round alone babe, it's not you, it's me."

...let's just hope he never has to hear that in a different context

~mcm

Reply to "Humane"

No. 

In this case, it is unbelievably humane and shows a deep respect for life and the right a person has to live that life. 

I win. 

~ Ted

Humane

Killing someone isn't humane, I win

~mcm

Physician Assisted Suicide

We had a debate today about an editorial in the DI. It discussed physician assisted suicide and how it should be legalized in Iowa. 

I agree and believe it should be a legal act in the United States. Three of us debated...I won. 

One simple word. Humanity...

If you'd like to talk about it sometime, or anything else really, let me know. 

~ Ted

Mt. Vesuvius

I had a dream I was climbing Mount Vesuvius, then I slipped, I was falling, falling, then I realized that it wasn't a dream, I was just still drunk from the night before

sometimes, when you're eating breakfast drunk, you forget to put your dishes in the dishwasher

~mcm

Man Up

I have a dream that one day my roommate will pull the corn cob out of his ass and turn into a man.
I have a dream.

~Dave

Dishes

I have a dream. That one day. I can walk into my apartment. And not see dishes in the sink and all over the counter. 

I have a dream. That Mike and David can one day find their way to the dishwasher. And put their dishes into it. 

I have a dream. That Mike and David can one day realize that leaving their dishes in the living room...is disgusting. 

~ Ted

The Sockless sock.

Last night Mike and I went to our friends 20th birthday party. It was a long rough night. Vodka. My good friend Martha Schreiber (yea i probably spelled it wrong) spilled a whole cup of something on my foot. As a result I had to take my sock off. At the end of the night I stayed over at a friends and am now going to class with a hangover, the clothes from the night before, and only 1 sock! WHY ME???!

~Dave

Too Much Information (tmi)

David got out of the shower this morning accusing me of using all the hot water, so I ignored him. He proceeded to tell me that he was headed to put on the same pair of underwear he wore the day before...I then realized that he had told me the same thing, the day previous to this...

I guess any underwear, is better than no underwear

~mcm

Are you afraid of the dark?

Last night, just before bed, David was in the bathroom using my contact solution (what else is new that someone here would take my stuff?). He had to pay for this thievery, so I waited in the hallway for him and when he got close enough, used my Joker impression on him. I believe he may have urinated down his front side. So next time David Zach walks around saying he is "afraid of nothing," just remind him he gets scared of comic book bad guys!

~ Ted

Why me????

A few hours ago I woke up and got headed into the bathroom to start my day... all was normal. I turned on the shower just to find out I had no warm water! The funny thing was only one person had showered, Michael Conrad Mettenburg. Thanks for ruining my whole day ass!!!

~DDZ

Scattegories

A few minutes ago I played Scattegories with Ed, Mike, & Jessica. I should have won but was cheated more times than Bill cheated on Hillary. One of the categories was "Soft Items" and Ed put dirty diapers!! Ed's girlfriend Jessica backed him up resulting in a Zach loss. When was the last time you touched a dirty diaper???

~DDZ

Our Life

Today I created the 301 blog. My roommates and I are going to try to update this piece of work everyday so you can try to comprehend what it's like to live a day in our shoes. Godspeed and God bless America!

With Love,
DDZ