Swine Flu

If you have been keeping up with the news lately you know about the possible pandemic this country and/or the world may face because of Swine Flu. Well if I die of Swine Flu, this is how I would like my funeral to take place:
First, after much consideration, I do not want to be cremated. Keep my body in tact. But do not bury me in the ground, thats that catch. I want Jessica to lay me to rest on a raft...made of Gold...handcrafted by Casey O'Connell or Casey Farrier, because when I think of the name Casey I think of excellent craftsmanship.
Second, I would then like my father, Papa Bear, to push me out to sea. And by sea I mean the Cedar River. Yes, my home waters of Cedar Rapids.
Third, my gold casket will need to be flammable, so that David Z. can proceed to fire a flaming arrow at me so that I may represent America...with fire and water. If David fails, which is acceptable considering the wild rapids of the Cedar, John Hasley will take his place because he once threatened David and I with a longbow if we put a Hilary Clinton sign in his yard.
Fourth, the song Please Remember Me by Tim McGraw must be played in the background.
Fifth, Please remember me.
Sixth, Tom Garland will tape the whole thing and send it to Mike M. because it will undoubtedly be his sickly body from which I contracted the Swine.
Seventh, Honest Abe must be dug up to oversee the proceedings.

You have my demands.

~ Ted