Mikes Socks

For the love of God, someone please help Mike Conrad Mettenburg. 

Every day I return to my apartment, I see Mike and immediately feel sick. The boy needs new socks, now. When I come home I like to play a game called "What Different Colored Socks is Mike Wearing Today?"

But today, alas, the socks were the same color...kind of. You would assume that I would mean white or black or some color manufacturers usually dye their sock products. 

No, no. They used to be white. 

Now, they are so dirty and poop colored that they look like he hand washed them in the Iowa River (the second dirtiest river in America...literally). 

So I hereby ask for your help in raising some funds to buy Mike new socks. 

Please...help...you will not only be doing him a huge favor, but more importantly you'll be doing ME an even bigger one. 

It will finally put an end to this game that I reluctantly am forced to play every day. Thank you.

~ Ted